How to Become Happier By Wanting Less

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How much time do you spend thinking about what’s next? Your next job, your next home, your next purchase, even your next to-do list item — all of it seems to hold the key to happiness. We think we’ll feel better whenever we secure them, which is why we spend so much energy wanting them.

But of course, they never make us as happy as we hoped. We just end up wanting something else next.

What’s the solution? It is wanting less.

That’s what Harvard professor and Atlantic columnist Arthur C. Brooks proposes with this insightful piece. In his view, you’re still allowed to aspire — you’re human, after all! — but to find some peace on the hamster wheel of success, you must shift your perspective to optimize for things that bring you deep and lasting fulfillment, not a momentary boost.

First, why do we want so much?

There are two good answers to this:

1. Brain chemistry

As Arthur writes, “our brains are programmed to prevent us from enjoying anything for very long.” That’s because they’re connected to our bodies, and our bodies want to maintain a stable state. To help achieve that, our brains neutralize stimulus pretty quickly. The first time we experience a positive or negative feeling, for example, we perceive it poignantly — but the next time, we feel it a little less, and still less the third time.

That’s why the great feeling you get from success can only be matched by achieving more and more over time. Which is impossible to sustain.

2. Survival of the fittest

This is also an evolutionary issue. Before we had smartphones and indoor plumbing and, I don’t know, agriculture, we were programmed to compete for resources. We’re talking the basics here: food, shelter, mates. Those instincts are hard-wired — so when our basic needs are met, as they are for many of us, we turn our competitive instincts towards other things like accomplishments (cue: self-worth spiral looking at the LinkedIn feed).

In other words, our instincts are backfiring. Competitiveness was useful when we had to gather resources to survive, but not so useful for finding happiness.

Want to reprogram yourself? You can. You just need to bridge the gap between your biology and your psychology.

Arthur sums up that paradigm in a neat equation:

Satisfaction = what you have ÷ what you want

He writes:

The secret to satisfaction is not to increase our haves—that will never work (or at least, it will never last). That is the treadmill formula, not the satisfaction formula. The secret is to manage our wants. By managing what we want instead of what we have, we give ourselves a chance to lead more satisfied lives.How to want less

Arthur has suggestions on how to train yourself to want less — and they’re all about optimizing for long-term fulfillment over attainment. Think of it as a template; I’ve filled in how I approach each of these, and you can do the same.

1. Go from prince to sage

…which is to say, share what you have instead of hoarding prestige.

Instead of charting your course based on what’s going to bring you the most prestige, look for opportunities to share the knowledge and resources you have. The practice of social giving, whether it’s teaching another person — or even just making a key introduction — helps you internalize the value of what you already have.

I think this gets easier as you become more secure in your own work. But I remember, even as a young journalist, discovering the awesome power of a simple email. One friend would tell me about something they’re looking to learn or do, and I’d know of another friend who is doing it, and I’d put them together, thus sparking new friendships and projects. It didn’t do anything to boost my job title, but it made my network stronger — and me more valuable inside my own network.

2. Make a reverse bucket list

Don't think about what experiences you want to check off your list. Instead, think about the forces that bring you fulfillment.

Arthur says to envision yourself living in peace five years from now. Then ask yourself: What’s bringing me that peace?

I admit, I think about that quite a lot. People ask me how long I can sustain my current workload — the magazine, the podcasts, the book, and many other projects — and the answer is, quite frankly, not forever. But that’s OK, because I don’t want to sustain it forever. I’m utilizing a very specific moment in my career to build a sustainable platform for myself. I know what it’s for.

3. Get smaller

Notice small things around you instead of getting lost in the big, splashy sensations that will inevitably go away.

I’ll admit, I can’t always do that. I’ve participated in meditations where the instructor, say, asks people to notice their fingers and toes, and I literally do not understand what they’re asking us to do. But that’s fine. I found it another way.

For example, I wrote a few months ago about the unbridled joy of a meeting-free day and an afternoon bike ride. Did finishing my tasks that day feel good? Sure. But it was the fresh air on my face as I rolled through the park that made the accomplishment worthwhile.

We’re here to live, and we build to help each other live better. So next time you’re itching to sacrifice something in your life to reach for the next rung on the ladder, don’t forget: living and building go hand in hand.

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Cover credit: Getty Images / Klaus Vedfelt